The Beginning……..

girl cat 2My earliest memories are good ones. My earliest memories are from when we used to live down Halse Road in Brackley. An older gentleman used to live next door to us……I went out the front one day, and he was digging a hole in his front garden. I asked him what he was doing; he was burying his cat. “This is a good memory??” you may ask. Yes, it is. My very young (I wasn’t yet 5 years old) and innocent memories remembers he loved cats. I’m sure I used to talk to him about cats. And I LOVED cats……..a precursor to the importance of cats in my life since forever.

My next earliest good memory. Still living in Brackley. We had an alley way behind our house. My siblings and I spent many times playing in that alley (there was a lot more freedom and trust by parents in those days). On the other side of the alley was the old peoples’ care home where my great gran and grampy resided. They would sit in the communal lounge and wave to us as we played. We visited regular and I loved it. We would go into the communal lounge and talk to the other residents. We were very young and I think the residents loved having children come in – maybe it was like a breath of fresh air.

These of just 2 examples of many good memories and no doubt I will intersperse my blog with further good memories. I am immensely grateful that my earliest memories are good ones.

I am now a 45 year old housewife and mother. I have the most wonderful adoring husband who I think the world of even if I don’t always show it (sorry……) and a gorgeous, kind and beautiful son. I have a mum with a big heart who I get on extremely well with and who I don’t see nearly enough of. I also have a lovely niece who I see lots of when she isn’t travelling the world for F1 work purposes.

My life has been molded by my past, whether due to experiences or in spite of. The good memories have played a big part and I still see the world through rose tinted glasses in some respects. But this is not always the case. I didn’t get to 45 years of age without bad memories, bad events and A LOT of baggage. It’s how we learn from such bad things and turn life round for the better that really counts. I have tried doing this since my early 30’s which commenced with a short spell of a couple of weeks in a private mental health establishment where I received superb psychiatric help, ongoing counselling, made treasured friendships with a couple of fellow residents, and started to understand that the root of my problems stemmed from the ‘bad things’ that happened in my childhood. Prior to receiving psychiatric help, I had muddled along in life for years just thinking I was a bit of an emotional and morose person who always had an underlying feeling of sadness and bewilderment. For 13 years of my life, I worked on the Railway and thanks to friends and the excellent social life I led, it was easy to muddle along most of the time and try to ignore the underlying feelings of unease. But the psychiatric care I received massively highlighted how much anger I was storing, and the lack of adequacy/confidence I felt in myself that affected all aspects of my life, especially in relationships and work.

Although I have reconciled a lot of these feelings now (massively thanks to family members who are dear to me, and partly due to a maintenance dose of happy pills that keep me on an even keel!), events have been occurring more recently that seem to be doing their best to conspire against me!! These events involve persons who are not so dear to me……..what some would call ‘poisonous’ people.

From the age of about 15 years until I was approximately 19 years old, I kept an extensive diary which amounted to 2 books. I still have these diaries and re-read them a couple of years ago. During my latter teens, I think these diaries were a lifeline for me, and being able to write down events and feelings helped me immensely.

This is the purpose of this blog – a way for me to write down good and bad memories and recollections that will help me to reconcile my feelings. This is my lifeline in view of current events and ill feeling. I am not normally someone who believes in ‘airing their dirty laundry in public’ and a lot of stuff is best kept private – as my original diaries were (apart from when siblings would nick them to read!). Of course, I’m not perfect…..never have been and never will be. I can take a long hard look at myself and realise/accept this. As such, there have been a few times where I have made pointed comments or had an outburst at people – whether face to face or via social websites – that contradict my views. Some of these comments/outbursts have been very abrupt and scathing, and I am not always proud of myself for ‘losing my cool’ or being so unforgiving. I try to be a good person, I try to treat people as I would like to be treated myself, I try to lead a respectful and moral life, and I think I am generally a kind and sincere person…….the simple fact is, however, we all have limits and sometimes events conspire to push you over these limits.

Some such events have been occurring in the past few years, with particular emphasis on the past year, which have pressed certain buttons and caused my limits to be exceeded once again. Certain persons who are the root cause of these events would also have anyone who will listen believe they are exempt from any involvement or blame, and are more than happy to place such blame and vitriol on myself and others who I have a lot of affection for.  We do not deserve this – it is unfair, unjust, unacceptable and invariably untrue.

For the sake of this blog and to prevent any issues arising relating to privacy or defamation of character,  I will use nicknames where required. The list of nicknames is not conclusive and will no doubt expand as my blog develops (intuitive people who know me may enjoy guessing characters by looking at the names!).

CAST (OOPS, SORRY NICKNAMES….) TO FOLLOW.

The last thing I would currently like to add is that anything I say in my blog is true and did actually occur according to my recollections, and I will include appropriate excerpts where possible. My blog will NOT be based on lies, fantasy and fabrication on my part, as is so prevalent in the lives of certain individuals who have had quite an ‘unpleasant’ impact on my life.

I will be writing snippets in my blog as and when I can get it written down but I will do my best to let you know when there is something new to read. I really hope you will take the time to read what I have to say and understand the wider issues involved.  You may just find this blog interesting/amusing/sad, and may even be able to relate to events and experiences.

Anthea xx

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